may 14

Today is challenging because it wasn’t what I envisioned a week ago.  Losing a person that you thought would never leave your life even though you were the one that left theirs is extremely hard to accept.  Times like this, all you can do is reflect.  You never really cared like you said you did, I can see it now.  I feel angry about it, reflecting on how much time and energy I put into the relationship; the dates, trips, the convos, shit…the feelings.  I want it all back, but you know how that goes – you really can never get it back.   I ignored my heart, suppressed my soul and became comfortable with the misery because I was afraid to face this.  More angry at myself for not protecting my heart hard enough, but also happy to know I was able to give my all.  You just have to learn to move on because once the respect is lost, the relationship is over regardless who did who wrong.  But I have realized that I had to go through that to get where I am today.  Going through it, hurts – but I know it will bring me something better and now, I am just wondering when will it be the last time I think about you.

another year to my name though, j.

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“Life, I wonder.  Will it take me under? I don’t know” – NAS
I really don’t know…I don’t know a lot nowadays.
Some days I think I’m close to being sure,
but most nights still remain a war zone.
I’ve lost, —
I’m lost.

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03/11

when the sun rises, it’s a new day, smile & stay strong
time passes, sun sets, & the darkest hours come along
trying to resist, fighting to forget, don’t want to be upset
darkest thoughts are in control now, i lost once again
i’m aching, waves are high, scars are bleeding
nothing sweet, nothing pleasant, just resentment…
until the sun rises again, another day of healing
and another night of battling the greatest war
with myself, & i don’t even know what for…
searching for peace of mind, oh i want to love again
just know i’m still fighting, until then.

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real

reyna biddy said it.

My condolences to anyone who has ever lost me
And, to anyone who got lost in me
Or, to anyone who ever felt they took a loss with me
My apologies for the misunderstanding or the lack thereof
I’m sorry you missed the God in me
And I’m sorry you missed the light
I’m sorry you forgot the way I arose like the moon
Night after night with the burden to forgive
Eager to feed you everything
See, I’m a holy woman
I know what it’s like to give life to a being without ever needing to press skin against one another
I’ve practiced how to hold my tongue long enough
I’m afraid I forgot to say goodbye
I’m afraid you’re under the impression
That I was made to please you
I was under the impression you understood me better
The truth is, I’m a superwoman
And some days I’m an angry woman
And some days I’m a crazy woman
For still waiting, for still loving harder even if I’m aching
For still trusting that I’m still worth the most
For still searching for someone to understand me better

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once upon a time. 

I just want to thank you for helping me learn more about myself, and recognizing certain traits I didn’t realize before. I know that certain circumstances has hindered our growth and raised questions, created uncertainty, and then sudden shift from the bigger picture. Excuse me when I overthink, there are certain things I won’t understand, but that’s okay. I know you have tried to do better, and being better. I know you’ve encountered a setback that has weighed on you, I just want to let you know that I appreciate you, and your efforts – making time for me, and being with me. I’ve never neglected that you are an amazing person. I know that certain situations exposed the negative thoughts and feelings but I hold you high, higher than you know because I do have faith in you. I know you will exceed your potential, in everything you do to get where you are suppose to be. I don’t want to be the person that makes you feel low, I don’t want it to turn to resentment. I truly just want to be a positive aspect in your life, to uplift you, cos isn’t that what’s it suppose to be? I know time and energy is valuable, so thank you for being patient with me when times feel shaky, and also thank you for showing me more visually and also in experience. The watch was something I thought could tie with time. Reminder that time is valuable, but also that things take time, and in time things will come along, and sometimes all we have is time, but most importantly thank you for your time. 

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2016 Blessings and Lessons

2016 Blessings & Lessons

It’s that time of the year again, rewind and reflect on the blessings, lessons, accomplishments, trials and tribulations of 2016.  One of my major movements of the year was stepping out of my comfort zone, in both personal and work relationships.  It was crucial, realizing I needed to move forward and that is why I am where I am now.  An open gate to new opportunities, blessings, and lessons.  2016 definitely challenged me mentally and emotionally.  I feared the unknown but it only strengthened my hope, faith, and trust in God more than ever.  I confidently knew that whatever I was feeling that I was going to go through it steadily’ perhaps tremble but never break.  I have began to appreciate the thoughts that run for miles that caused headaches, and the emotions from it that created heartaches because it only has helped me learn so much more about myself and only has kept me to go beyond it.  Everything that I’ve encountered only opened room for much more love.  Choose to love more, it does wonders.  I only plan to do better, and be better going forward, let 2017 flourish with love and only love.

NTS: it’s 2017

  • fuel the soul with more art
  • capture moments
  • disconnect from social media
  • tweet less, write more
  • know when to be selfish
  • laugh more
  • choose to be happy, always
  • say what’s on my mind & don’t give a fuck
  • don’t sink in negative thoughts / the devil is a liar
  • squat like it’s the only thing in life
  • material things ain’t shit
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12/26 

from time to time, i find it difficult to truly find the right words to describe the waves of emotion and thoughts that fall heavy on my heart, and linger on my mind – so it never leaves because sometimes i just don’t know what to do with it. & even if i try – in hopes you can understand me, accept that i am a human being who isn’t perfect, i am in progress working on becoming the woman i am suppose to be, and for you not to judge me? shit that haunts me…instead i pray on it. you know how powerful believing is? because even if i don’t get the answers right away, somehow i will & there is always something and someone that will show you some light to understanding, seeing a new perspective, and peace of mind. they say holding on to hope can be paralyzing, but i’m still hopeful – there is always light at the end of every tunnel, that’s because I believe there are brighter days and the blessings will always uplift you and always outweigh your shortcomings. 

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