may 14

Today is challenging because it wasn’t what I envisioned a week ago.  Losing a person that you thought would never leave your life even though you were the one that left theirs is extremely hard to accept.  Times like this, all you can do is reflect.  You never really cared like you said you did, I can see it now.  I feel angry about it, reflecting on how much time and energy I put into the relationship; the dates, trips, the convos, shit…the feelings.  I want it all back, but you know how that goes – you really can never get it back.   I ignored my heart, suppressed my soul and became comfortable with the misery because I was afraid to face this.  More angry at myself for not protecting my heart hard enough, but also happy to know I was able to give my all.  You just have to learn to move on because once the respect is lost, the relationship is over regardless who did who wrong.  But I have realized that I had to go through that to get where I am today.  Going through it, hurts – but I know it will bring me something better and now, I am just wondering when will it be the last time I think about you.

another year to my name though, j.

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